Dissapointment
by drake220
Summary: A memory surfaces and throws light onto a deeper reasoning behind Sesshoamru-sama's hatred for his father. A companion piece to 'Hero'.


A/N: Hey everyone! Thanks for checking this out! This a companion piece to 'Hero' to explain Sess's hatred of his father that was shown in that one shot. I suggest you read it, just to get the emotional circle. Either one first, I doubt the order will make a difference.

Enjoy and remember- I always look for critique! If you review not one compliment and just some constructive criticism, I'll still love your review! Enjoy!

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** Dissapointment**

Sesshomaru settled onto the ground, his sitting mat placed neatly underneath him while Jaken scurried around, setting up the campsite. Sesshomaru never twitched, never indicated he was aware that another being was working nearby. He was, however, aware that another being was missing from around the fire.

"Jaken- fetch Rin." The Lord commanded, not looking at his underling.

Jaken winced. He had so been hoping to not receive this command. "Hai, My lord..." the toad demon mumbled unhappily, dropping his load of wood in a neat pile.

At the river, Rin was splashing happily. Naked as the day she was born, she was taking her daily bath in the river. At first, Rin had been very opposed to the idea of bathing every day. The first time, Sesshomaru-sama had to actually glare at her before she would go in. Now, she didn't mind the cold; after traveling all day in the hot Japan countryside, it could almost be considered refreshing. Bath time would have been perfect except for one small minor detail:

"You! Come out at once!"

Rin sighed. Without fail, Jaken tried to ruin her fun time.

"Girl! I have spoken! Come out!"

Rin swam a bit more, splashing around perhaps a little too enthusiastically in Jaken's direction. She couldn't help it. He was so funny when he squealed like that. Besides, was he not a toad demon? He should thank her for splashing him!

"You..you, you wretched girl! You drag that disgusting body of yours out of the river! Right now!" Jaken shouted.

Rin hummed and doggy-paddled around the river middle.

"COME OUT!" screamed Jaken. "I HAVE A STAFF AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!!!"

Rin continued to ignore him.

Resigned, Jaken wadded into the river to haul her out, mumbling about how little human girls decompose so quickly.

Rin dunked under the water.

Distantly, she heard Jaken wail in frustration and begin to shout dire unrealistic threats to her person. Still underwater, Rin mentally giggled. Swimming stealthily behind the obliviously enraged Jaken, Rin prepared herself.

"BOO!"

"AEEEIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!" Jaken threw his arms up into the air and ran in circles of fright, crying for his Lord Sesshomaru. Rin collapsed in giggles.

Regaining his senses, Jaken turned in fury to drag Rin out of the water. Pulling on her arm, he tugged and yanked.

"Ouch!" Rin shouted. "Jaken- stop!"

"Maybe you should have stopped playing and came out!" Jaken snapped and tightened his grasp on her arm.

"That hurts!"

"Do I really care?" Jaken said and pulled her onto the muddy bank. Rin hit Jaken's scrawny arm with her fist and in his pain, the toad demon dropped his staff, causing mud and riverside sludge to fly up and coat both.

"My staff! It's dirty!" he said, aghast and ignoring his own filth. The carved faces of the old man and woman were covered in river grime and dirt. Bugs dropped off the staff to land on the grass and the pole was slippery in his paw.

"You wretched girl! This is all your fault!" screamed Jaken. He swung the staff at Rin, enraged to the point that he completely forgot that Lord Sesshomaru was nearby.

Rin barely had time to blink before a white blur snatched Jaken up and had flung him in the river. Lord Sesshomaru looked passively at the scene of the floundering Jaken. In his usual unemotional voice, he reminded Jaken that Rin was not to be touched.

Rin looked up at her lord and protector and happily flung herself on him. He always protected her! She snuggled into him, smearing the accumulated grime onto him unconsciously.

Sesshomaru stiffened at once. For an imperceptible catch in time, the blood went still in his veins, his heart paused, and all his muscles ceased their minute and imperceptible flexing.

Sesshomaru flung Rin off him like the parasite she truly was. Looking down at his stately robes, he saw splattered mud, grass, river water stains and several crushed insects. Sesshomaru's breath came quicker and he felt something rise in his throat. Ruthlessly slaying that...that thing (perhaps an emotion akin to fear? No, such was not possible), Sesshomaru picked Rin up and tossed her in the river to land next to Jaken.

"My Lord?" she sputtered. The water had come up her nose, choking her. It was painful but what really ached was that it was her Lord Sesshomaru who had caused the hurt.

Sesshomaru looked at her for a moment and wordlessly turned to walk back to camp. He paused and looked back over his shoulder.

"Clean yourself." he pronounced, an edge to his voice. "Do not come back to the fire unless all that dirt is off. Do you understand me?" he bit off.

Rin and Jaken nodded dumbly. To the two servants of his lordship, it was as if Sesshomaru had thrown a fit, instead of just a lowly toad demon and a young child. They glanced at one another as Seshomaru strode off and the two silently agreed to set aside their bickering. Taking time to get clean did not seem like the wisest thing to do now.

Back at the camp, a memory ricocheted around Sesshomaru's head. He had ruthlessly suppressed it on the walk back but now.....alone.......again......After a few minutes, Sesshomaru allowed let his head rest on the tree behind him. With an imperious mental gesture, he allowed the memory to come.

-------------200 Years Earlier------------

Throughout the forest, nighttime was settling. Animals were scampering home, trees swayed in a gentle twilight breeze and the stars were coming out. Lightening bugs flitted around, illuminating a peaceful meadow filled with blooming flowers, trickling creeks and sleeping birds. Everything was peaceful and quiet. Well, almost everything that is....Down a long winding dirt road an imposing figure strode along, gracefully carrying a rather unwieldy bundle.

Sesshomaru sighed as he swung back and forth underneath his Lady Mother's arm. Tucked into the crook of her elbow, he idly kicked his legs back and forth. Singing softly, he tried to amuse himself but it was difficult when one is the equivalent of an overactive six year old and being held still. His bright gold eyes observed the swiftly passing scenery but most of it was a blur.

Bored bored bored bored...his mind sang out.

Squirming in his mother's arms, he tried to find something to entertain himself.

"Stop that moving Sesshomaru," came the command from far above. Straining his neck, Sesshomaru could just make out the visage of the Lady of the Western Lands.

Lady Shirouki was the essence of an aristocrat and it showed in every well-bred pore. A masterpiece of ancient breeding, Lady Shirouki was beautiful with the long amber hair and silvery eyes that indicated a female inuyoukai. However, it was the clear intelligence and breeding that shone from her which caused Shirouki to be intimidating even while she slept. Her Power was evident in every step she took and her pale alabaster skin radiated the confidence that comes with security.

Acknowledged as a formidable foe and a true Lady of the demon world, Shirouki was synonymous with her husband, Lord Toji, ruler and Lord of the Western Lands. The two were the premiere mates of the Demon World, feared wherever they went by whomever they met. Each was quite extraordinary in their own right. Together, they should have been catapulted to even greater heights. Logically, they should have been perfect for each other.

Unfortunately, 'should- have' is a term which inevitably leads to heartache.

This marriage was no different. The passion and meaningful promises were all present and accounted for in the beginning but as time trudged on and habits were revealed, the passion cooled and the promises became empty. But, for the sake of both the Western Lands and their young son Sesshomaru, there was no other option but to deal with the pain of the unsuitable joining. To do so, the two tactfully agreed to stay separate as often as possible. The two excused their frequent separations by blaming it on the need for one to constantly guard the borders, looking for anything suspicious.

After all, appearances had to be maintained.

For half a year, one would go out and the other would stay. After six exact months had passed, the wandering parent would return to the Palace. Then, after a day or two for resting and preparation, the other would set out and the newly returned parent would stay at the family estate, managing internal affairs and get to know his/her son all over again. (He hadn't been _their_ son in as long as he could remember).

Sesshomaru, in the middle of this silent warfare, saw each of his parents for six months out of the year. One parent would come and the other would go. Thus, the only member of the Ruling Family who was constantly in the palace was Sesshomaru. He let no one forget it.

Spoiled beyond comprehension, Sesshomaru got everything he demanded, whether it was a certain food, a toy or a playmate. There was only one thing he was refused access to: the outside world. On the strict orders of his Lord and Ladyship, young prince Sessomaru was never allowed to go outside the gates of the palace. He was entirely too valuable to risk. The heir to the entire Western Lands, go out where he could be harmed? Such a thing was simply not done.

As such, this journey with his mother was understandably a shock. A delightful shock but still unexpected. Lady Shirouki had shown up three months early and in the middle of the night, spirited Sesshomaru away. It had all been most exciting. Unfortunately for Sesshomaru, his Lady Mother was not used to such a verbose, overly active and inquisitive traveling companion. By the days end, Sesshomaru inevitably ended up swinging under his mothers arm, trying not to be bored out of his mind.

Sesshomaru sighed as he was put down, deemed sufficiently calmed down.

Seeing they had come to a clearing, Shirouki stopped and dropped their bags onto the ground. "Come, let us set up camp here."

Sesshomaru's face lit up and he scrambled to find the firewood. Slipping on the mast (A/N: the fallen leaves and other forest stuff that gathers on the forest floor) and the mud, he wandered, though not very far, to find the firewood. He loved doing this. He felt alone, independent, powerful, in control. His mother thought his love for firewood collecting was absolutely absurd but, well, it kept him quiet for some precious seconds.

Shirouki set out the tiny futon her son slept upon and stepped out into the forest. Her mere presence caused several small herbivores to freeze their movements. Spying a rabbit cowering in the brush, she swung a hand and neatly decapitated it.

Sesshomaru was already waiting with a fire going. Shirouki tossed the still steaming corpse to her son and he eagerly consumed it, the hot blood dripping down his chin and staining his overshirt.

With a sigh (could little boys ever stay clean for more then five minutes?), Shirouki picked Sesshomaru up and, ignoring his shrieked protests of the indignity of it all, dunked him into a nearby stream until he was clean.

"Let go, mama! Let go! Let go! Let go!" he wailed, soaking wet and sniffling. Seeing he was basically clean, she settled him down.

"Hmph...," he mumbled and looked away from her, with his nose up in the air. "This Sesshomaru didn't like that."

"No?" came the amused question.

"No," he pouted.

"This Sesshomaru didn't like it?" Shirouki persisted and poked him gently with an elegantly clawed hand.

"Nope," answered the still peeved child.

"No?" she ran her claws lightly down his sides, causing her young son to dissolve in laughter.

"No!" he gasped out in between bouts of laughter.

Shirouki continued to 'torment' Sesshomaru with tips of her fingers.

"No mama!" He giggled and swatted her hand away. "No more!"

"No more?" She picked him up and settled him onto her lap. He was still trying to catch his breath and she acquiesced to his demands. "All right." Smoothing her hand through his hair, she groomed her boy's hair with care and precision. He yawned and snuggled into her.

Looking above him, Sesshomaru noticed that twilight had fallen and the first night stars had appeared in the sky overhead.

"Mama, what are stars?" A small voice yawned.

"Ah, a good question, my pup. Stars are souls, the souls of the deceased," Shirouki answered quietly. Like all those who have seen death, dealt out death and almost died, she had a healthy respect for death and those who had gone on before her .

"But there are more dead people that there are stars."

"And how do you know that?"

Sesshomaru shifted uncomfortably.

"Can you count all the stars? See every star that is in the sky?" Shirouki pressed. At this Sesshomaru mutely shook his head. Mama nodded wisely. "Do not make statements unless you are positive about the veracity of them."

"Well, I know a lot of other stuff," Sesshomaru mumbled.

"You know what? I really do believe you know most everything," Shirouki said with a small smile.

A few moments passed in silence as both watched the night pass.

"Mama? Do demons have souls?"

"Yes."

"Humans don't think so."

"Human's, contrary to what they think, do not know everything." The sarcasm in this was evident even to a newly emerged mind like Sesshomaru's.

"Are you sure we have souls? How do you know?" he questioned.

"Because of our vulnerability to the mikos. A miko's energy can only attack with the powers drawn from the soul. The mikos soul rebounds with her target's souls and, because it is purer, obliterates it," Shirouki explained confidently.

"So because demons can be killed by mikos, it is definite that we have souls?"

"That's the idea."

"So we become stars when we die....."

"Yes. To watch over our descendants."

Together, the two dog demons watched the stars wink and fade. Sesshomaru drifted to sleep, secure in the knowledge of his own safety with his mother.

-------------------

The NekoYoukai from the Northern lands ambushed them four days from home. It had happened so suddenly, there had been almost no chance to escape. The enemy was relentless. Screeches and insane battle hisses echoed throughout the mountain pass and it only spurred the two fleeing inuyoukai on.

In the early predawn, Shirouki raced through the forest, holding Sesshomaru close to her chest, her halbred glowing in the dimly lit air. Breath raced in and out of her lungs at a frantic pace and trees snapped under her feet. __

"Mama!" Sesshomaru struggled to escape her tight grasp.

"Stop it right now, my pup!" snarled Shirouki. "Now is not the time!" She leaped gracefully over a boulder and headed back up to the mountain range where the Palace was.

"I'm old enough to run! I can do it! And I'm slowing you down!"

There was a barely perceptible pause as Shirouki thought it over. Taking a breath, she swung Sesshomaru down and commanded him to run. The boy put down his head, stretched his legs and obeyed with all his might.

The air ripped through his lungs. Struggling to keep up with his mother, Sesshomaru swallowed and mentally urged himself to hurry. _There are no other options. Just keep running baka! Just.. _He panted desperately. _Just keep running!_

The miles passed beneath their feet and Sesshomaru's lungs burned in him, as he ran for his life, as he escaped death. The two dog demons had been running for hours but they were not as close as they needed to be to summon reinforcements.

Why does she not call for help? Just try_ to summon someone! _Sesshomaru wondered in desperation. Once Father heard that they were in trouble, he'd come to help and then the three inuyoukai would be able to fight! But... Father was one of the most powerful demons in all of Lands. He should have been able to sense them by now. _Where is papa?_

Next to him, Shirouki inhaled deeply, seeking what she needed. There! There was the perfect spot! She glanced down and her heart felt like it was breaking. Her baby pup was struggling alongside her, never complaining, never faltering.

Such a brave boy...Oh, I'm going to miss him...For the first time in her thousand year long life, Shirouki felt like crying. Yet, she knew that the time for tears and for arguing with fate was past.

Had she brought this on herself?

Was it her fault that this was going to happen?

No.

No time for doubts. No time for anything but action.

Snatching up Sesshomaru as he leapt over a boulder, Shirouki whirled to backward about a mile and dropped off the edge of a twenty foot cliff, landing with a splash in the fast moving river below. Freezing, she experimentally sniffed and was gratified to sense the damn cats speeding past.

It won't fool them for long but I only need a few moments.

Ruthlessly plugging her conflicted emotions inside, she clawed out a four-foot deep ditch in the river sludge with one powerful sweep of her claws. It was time...oh god, it was time....She felt like screaming.

Sesshomaru tugged at his mother's robes. The once beautiful cloth was ripped and dirtied in the flight from the nekoyoukai. He glanced at his mother and gold eyes widened in shock.

"Mama," he asked in a quiet voice, "Why are you crying?"   
"I'm not," she replied and wiping away the tear that had escaped her control.

Breathing deeply for dignity, she brought Sesshomaru up to her eye level. He was so serious, her darling little son, biting his lip as he tried not to notice the tear streak on her cheek. He was alive and so beautiful to her as he reached up a tiny clawed hand to capture another tear as it slid past her defenses and down her face.

"Don't cry mama," he urged softly. "You should never cry. Tai-Youkai Lords like us never cry..."

Oh god..... Her chest felt too tight.Abruptly, Shirouki hugged Sesshomaru to her with all the love she felt at that moment.

Uncertain as to what brought on this unseemly display of affection, Sesshomaru awkwardly patted her on the back. She only clenched him tighter and gave a sort of hiccupping sob.

"Oh, my sweet puppy...."

"Uh, Mama?" Sesshomaru looked at her in worry and poked her non too gently in the side. "Stop crying! This, this Sesshomaru does not like it!"

A screaming howl ripped through the relative quiet of the river.

They're coming....Damn them, they're coming...

Shirouki smiled and whispered endearments into his pointed ears as she gently lowered him into the hole. Gathering her tattered pride around her, her face hardened.

"Sesshomaru?" Her voice had no lingering vestiges of the weakness she had just displayed. "You do know that I love you?" she said in that regal tone.

"Y....Yes..." came the faltering answer. _What is going on?_ "Mama, why am I in this hole? We have to run!" He tried to jump out but, with one hand, Shirouki shoved him back in.

"Mama!" he struggled up. "I want out!" he demanded angrily. He knew something was happening, something bad, and he knew he wouldn't like it.

"No. You will not go out of this hole for the next five hours-"

"But mama! I-"

"_Silence!"_ Shirouki snarled harshly. "Do not presume to argue with me boy! I am your Lady Mother and I will be obeyed in this!" She grabbed Sesshoamru by the shoulders and shook him roughly. "You. Will. Stay. Here." She enunciated and her voice did not shake, did not fluctuate but was filled with fury.

Sesshomaru's eyes searched his mothers and he realized how serious she was. With a mute nod, he held up his arms for her.

Shirouki looked down at the boy she was burying and pulled him to her for one last hug. Biting her lip, she kissed him on his forehead, right over the half moon he had inherited from her.

"You are precious, " she whispered and bussed his forehead again as he clung to her, not truly understanding but something inside told him to cling tight and not let go.

"You are a child who will develop into a man, a great demon, terrible, admired and loathed. Do not fear anyone for you are greater then even you will ever realize. Show no love, show no pain, show nothing of who you are and no one will be able to harm you. Let no one touch you and you will never be hurt. Nothing is worth being hurt," she whispered urgently into his hair. "Protect yourself."

Sesshoamru nodded into her shoulder. Her words confused him, he couldn't think, he just held on.

With an odd wistful smile, she smelled him one last time and pried his fingers off her shirt.

"No mama, I-!"  
"Silence from now on." She rose from her crouch and stared down at Sesshomaru. "Remember, no noise and no moving out of this hole for the next five hours."

Sesshomaru nodded once and lied down. There was no point in arguing when mama used that tone of voice.

"Cover your mouth," she advised and, as he lifted his tail over his face, she flung the riverbank dirt over Sesshomaru. She watched as the mud slid over him and covered him completely.

It was done.

The sound of racing paws assaulted her hearing and with one last desperate look at her sons hiding spot, Shirouki raced off. She burned with the need to kill. But not yet; now was not the time for carnage.

Do not move, she silently urged her son as the hordes of NekoYoukai came into her sight. _Stay silent and still...._

The NekoYoukai hissed with delight at her faltering steps and closed in.

Do not move...

The NekoYoukai surrounded her, all feral eyes and gleaming fangs.

My boy...!

The NekoYoukai pounced.

--------------------------------------------

Sesshomaru lied buried by the riverside filth and mentally cringed. His eyes were shut tight but he still felt the dirt pressing on his eyelids. Breathing shallowly through his tail, the stench of the surrounding earth nauseated him and the bile that rose in his throat had to be swallowed back. It burned in his throat as it slid back into his stomach and tears pricked his eyes.

This isn't fair! I don't want to do this!

But mother had said not to move and so he didn't.

-First Hour-

A bug crawled through his hair and settled on his head. It made minute movements and its exoskeleton rubbed on his scalp.

The mud was sliding into his boots, under his pants, it touched his skin like vomit covered silk. He could feel the sludge smothering his limbs. It was coating him, swallowing him whole. The bug had sharp tiny legs that pricked his sensitive scalp skin and it moved around on his head, moving toward his forehead.

A bit of dirt ran from the side of his tail into his mouth. Sesshomaru tried to spit it out but only more came in. He was choking. The only way to breath would be to swallow the mud but he didn't want to..._I can't breath! _He thought in panic. There was only one thing to do and with a feeling akin to pain, Sesshomaru ingested the slime. Seshomaru breathed shallowly and tried to think of something other then the feeling of being closed in at all sides. _What if mama forgot about me? What if I can't get myself out of this hole? What will I do? I don't want to die buried alive....._

-Second Hour-

The bug was scuttling around in his forehead. It moved over one eye. The feeling became all that Sesshomaru could concentrate on. What would it do next? Would it crawl over his closed eyelids, around his nose, maybe sticking an antenna or two up his nostrils? Perhaps it would go under his tail and into his mouth and he wouldn't be able to stop it! _Mama, come get me, please come get me, oh gods please come get me....._The bug was moving over one cheek. It wouldn't get off! Sesshomaru had the extraordinary urge to wipe it off. It wouldn't be that much movement, just a few muscles flexing....But mama had said not to move. Having given his word, Sesshoamru was bound by it. He couldn't move. The bug moved over his nose and over his other eye to go nest or shit or do whatever it was that bugs do in his hair again...

-Third Hour-

The mud was full of live things. Strange, Sesshomaru had never considered mud alive before but it was. It was full of live things. The worms were sliding up his shirt, looping around his neck, dropping into any crevice he had. Ants scrambled over his body, into his pants, around his penis, down his thighs; the insects were lost in his clothing. A brave naked mole rat attempted to burrow through him and had left a bruise on his left shoulder.

Why was no one coming to get him? Surely a few NekoYoukai weren't causing mother this many problems!

He ached all over and wanted to go home...he wanted his father, his mother, his steaming room, he wanted to go play with Ah-Un, he wanted to be clean, loved, bathed, fed and sleeping in his room, on his silk sheets, with his favorite book and his favorite slave to read him a goodnight story_....I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home....I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home...._

-Fourth Hour-

Sesshomaru tried to gasp quietly. That bug had taken up residence in his hair. _I am not living quarters, you stupid thing!_ Sesshoamru thought, concentrating on annoyance rather then thinking. It was tangling itself in the strands, uselessly scrambling against his skull. A sudden feeling caused Sesshomaru to bit down on his tail.

The bug had bit him. Not just once, but over and over. With Sesshomaru's superior hearing, he distinctly heard the noise his flesh made as it went down the gullet of the bug. _It was eating him..._

Panting with disgust and terror now, Sesshoamru couldn't help panicking. It was eating him, eating him while he was still alive, he didn't want to be eaten! _Oh gods, make it stop, please please please please please..._he sobbed silently, aware that he couldn't make any noise, he was not allowed to make any movements.

Observing that he was hyperventilating, Sesshomaru tried to calm himself down. But he couldn't move to get the bug off and he couldn't scream to relieve the mental pressure. So he did the only thing he could do. He bit down on the base of his tail to muffle any screams that might slip out of his throat.

It hurt.

-Fifth hour-

......sixty minutes........._where is she?......_forty five minutes.....................I _hate her...... .............stupid woman, why'd she do this to me?........._thirty minutes........._oh god...I hate bugs, I loathe them, I despise them, I can't stand them.... _twenty five minutes......._I'm so tired.........._twenty minutes....fifteen minuets....._so soon so soon I can leave_.....ten minutes nine minutes eight _I can't move still _seven six five four threetwo_she'll show up now!_one

With a motion so jarring and quick, it ripped several muscles in his body, Sesshomaru tried to claw his way past four feet of mud, sludge, dirt and other bits of the rivers natural bile. He got stuck half way up from that initial lunge, the mud trapping him as surely as the strongest ropes. Sesshomaru wanted to move but his body wouldn't listen to him. His entire body-legs, arms, torso down to the smallest digits-all were numb and unresponsive.

Nothing was moving, he was stuck and _he wanted out. _Out of the mud, out of this whole situation, out of this hellish night. Tears were gathering as he grit his teeth and tried to force his body to obey. The nerves, ligaments and joints that had gone unused for five hours woke up with a vengeance. His entire frame felt like it was wrapped in fire. Millions of prickling tiny jabs of lightening and ice were assaulting him.

He strained and pushed but he couldn't move. His face poked out of the soil and he gratefully spat out muddy saliva. Sesshomaru sneezed, trying to get out whatever had gone up his nose. He snuffed out, expelling the mud and sniffed again. Only this time, something reached his nose: _carnage._

Sesshomaru's eyes widened. Sitting up best as he could, he inhaled deeply, ignoring the mud's stench. The overpowering scent of blood, gore, fear, sweat and the unique odor of spilled bowels penetrated his sensitive nose. A sinking feeling in his stomach infiltrated his mind and suddenly, all the aches, all the pains faded away.

Sesshomaru vainly struggled to escape his prison. It was no longer time to whine, complain or be morose. Now was the time for action. Blood was in the air and Sesshomaru's instincts were howling. He had to get there. He had to see it.

With tears he didn't know he was shedding spreading over his cheeks, Sesshomaru wrestled with the mud. "I must go!" he growled. In fury, he surged upward. With grasping reluctance, the riverbank let him go and Sesshomaru stumbled out from the unnatural womb that had incubated him for the last half a night.

Sesshomaru gasped on the riverbank, on all his hands and knees, ignoring the undignified position, focusing on one thought_: He was free_.

He had escaped and no one helped him. He had done it on his own. _I needed nohelp. I did it. No one else. _It was now that Sesshomaru felt the first stirrings of the pride that would sustain him throughout his adult life.

Sesshomaru straightened his shoulders and turned toward the direction the stench of death was coming from. There was where he had to be. He had to find the bodies.

He didn't have far to go.

No wonder the smell reached me, Sesshomaru thought as the largest amount of blood spore he had ever smelled at once crashed upon his nose. It was an intense smell, one that made him sway on his already shaky feet. Stumbling, he came upon a clearing.

So many bodies.......

Sesshomaru realized this in a detached thought. There was little emotion behind his realization of the slaughter; there was almost no guilt or pain. _It was as it was_, he told himself roughly. Useless remorse would only slow him down.

He discarded his conscience for efficiency. It was a deal that would prove over time to be difficult to reverse.

He walked almost gingerly between the scattered and mutilated bodies. It seemed that all the NekoYoukai had perished. There a clawed arm was separated from the shoulder. A furry leg detached by the mid-thigh. Heads with horrified expressions rolled at his steps, the ears meticulously ripped off. Blood saturated everything; the grass sagged under the sheer amount of red life on each blade. At certain points, the ground leaked crimson under the pressure of Sesshoamru's steps.

All of this was taken in and discarded as irrelevant. It was no concern of his- he had a different agenda. Taking a deep breath, steeling himself for endurance, he jumped up and hung in the air for an inestimable moment. Sesshomaru slowly pivoted to the ground, his gaze measuring and calculating the circumference of the circle of massacred NekoYoukai. The bodies were piled up, almost stacked up as if the Neko's had crawled one on top of the other to their deaths.

There, in the northeastern direction, was the center of this grisly circle of death. At the crux of all this, he knew he would find his mother.

He was right.

As Sesshomaru ventured closer and closer to the epicenter, the smell of familiar flesh reached him. He paused, breathed through his mouth and waited for his courage to come back. Slowly, it crawled out of its hiding spot in Sessomaru's soul and only then could the demon boy move forward. The smell of blood grew stronger, more potent and real. However, the stench of fear faded away; there was none of that near his mother. Sesshomaru picked up his pace. _Being near mama again will make all this go away, the whole long terrible day_. He did not notice his own trembling. Even if he had registered it, the slight vibration would have been taken as nothing more then the wind through his wet clothes.

Finally, he crested the hill of bodies and stood still, taking in the sight of his mother. One thought entered his head:

She looked....odd.

Sesshomaru trotted over to investigate. He crouched next to his mother and cocked his head. Firstly, she was not dressed. Or she was but the lower half of her clothing had been taken off. Violently. It was curious. Her garments, made from the finest silk just as his own were......were ripped, torn, stained a black crimson. Very curious indeed.

Also, her limbs were not lying correctly. They were all akimbo, splayed around and about her body. None were where they should be. She looked undignified almost but mama was never undignified. It just didn't suit her.

What struck him the most was that her face wasn't turned toward him. That alone was strange because she always looked at him whenever he came near. Her beautiful golden hair was no longer flaxen or honeyed toned but a strange pink hue cast overtones on the matted threads.

Enough looking. The time for resting was not now. Now was the time for Mama to wake up, not sleep.

"Mama?" Sesshomaru prodded at her body with one claw.

Sesshomaru had been born with privilege and responsibilities. Unlike most children, he had been trained from birth in his youkai senses. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he knew she was dead. His nose told him so because he had learned to identify death in its many forms years ago. She stunk of it. His sensitive ears told him for there was none of the normal sounds of the rush of blood in her veins. His eyes couldn't see the pulse in her veins. A body didn't leaks so much blood and survive, demon or no. But he was a child and so shook and prodded his mother's corpse until its chill reached through his numb fingers and brain. "Mama....? I don't know how to get home. You have to wake up...I'll be lost. I need to get home, Mama. I am most dirty. I need you to direct me home."

The tiny prince pursed his lips in severe annoyance and something else that he refused to identify even to himself. Sesshomaru stomped his foot. "Get up!" he hissed, suddenly furious. "I am the heir and I demand you get up!" He knew that the one thing that got on his mother's nerves more then anything was his pulling rank on her.

She didn't move. Sesshomaru raged and shouted but she remained still. As the sun crested the hill of massacred cats, Sesshomaru slowly stopped his ranting and bowed his head under this pain that had lodged itself in his chest.

"You were stupid," he told the corpse with a snarl. "Why didn't you call for help?" _She did_, a voice murmured in the back of his head. _It went unanswered_... The field was quiet in the rising dawn but Sesshomaru didn't notice the passage of time. He also did not notice that he was falling until he had already dropped. Blame it on going too long without sleep, blame seizing muscles but Sesshomaru fell, fell right onto his mother's body. The body shifted underneath him and for one glorious moment, Sesshomaru thought he was wrong. He was all wrong, he was just a youngling, he had made a mistake, read the signs wrong and his mother was alive!

"Mama!" he shouted joyously. "Mama, you're awake! I knew it mama, I knew it! I....I knew..." He stopped slowly as his mothers dead eyes gazed sightlessly into his own. It was when her silver eyes, glazed and unseeing, met his that the full knowledge of what he had lost cascaded on him.

Whimpering, Sesshomaru burrowed into what had once been her warm loving lap. It was cold, hard as stone and smelled like rotting flesh. But it was home. Sesshomaru indulged himself in imagining himself dying near her, allowing himself the melodrama of being discovered with his mothers corpse. It would all be so...perversely romantic. In his present mood, it appealed to him mightily. Everyone would be so sad. But it was that last thought that irked him.

Where the hell was everyone?

Sesshomaru sat up and frowned. He was the Lord Prince, his mother was the Lady of the Western Lands and the neko's hadn't been subtle. Help should have been here hours ago. So where was everyone?

He was not getting the respect he deserved. More importantly, his mother was not going to get buried with a bunch of neko youkai in some nameless field. But no one was coming and he didn't know how to get home.....

"I really do believe that you know most everything."

Sesshomaru thought for a moment and then raced up the newly formed hillside. Jumping up and trying to see the Palace was to no avail. The wards that didn't allow enemies to see the Palace refused Sesshomaru's eyes and nose as well. His mother or father would have taught him the cantrips to diffuse the barrier but none had.

It had been one of their larger arguments, who would teach me. In the end, they argued so much that they forgot to teach me at all, he thought to himself. No matter. First things first. The only logical plan of action now was to simply follow his own footsteps back to the Palace. A demon could always smell himself. Nodding, Sesshomaru hurried down the 'hillside' to his mothers side.

She was very frightening like this, so still and solemn.

Gulping down fear and anguish along with his saliva, Sesshomaru steeled himself and picked up Shirouki's body underneath her arms and began to drag her back to the Palace.

The trip back was a blur in Sesshomaru's memory. There was nothing but the feeling of monotonous trudging over the forest earth, and the pain that waited to attack him when he stopped moving. At first, he had stopped to rest but as he would sit and look at the fire, he would realize his only company was his mother's dead body. The urge to move and not have to face her would become overwhelming and, unrested and unfed, he would rise to begin walking again.

Even his entry back into the Palace was cloudy. There were concerned faces, horrified faces, faces and arms that tried to pry his mothers body off his shoulders. After he killed those faces that touched her, the demons crowding around him backed off.

He preferred it that way.

He had no other goal then to get to his father. His farther deserved to know.

From here, the memory remained painfully clear.

The corridor to his father's room was almost clear. Only two guards stood at the entrance to the Lord's rooms. They saw him coming, those two veterans, and tried to stop him.

"My Prince," the one on the right, a crow demon, stammered, "it is perhaps better that you do not go into his Lordship's rooms right now."

"Nonsense," Sesshomaru stated coldly. "I will see him now."

"My Lord," the one on the left, a bear youkai, said softly, "should you not lie down your Lady Mother?"

"Should she lie on the floor? Is that where you think my mother should be?" Sesshomaru said quietly. He glanced up and he raged in a harsh whisper, "Do you not think I realize what is being done? Do you not think I realize you are stalling for time?"

The bear hung his shaggy head and sighed. "You don't want to go in, My Prince. Please.....do not go in."

The bear was speaking to air as Sesshomaru brushed past. The two demons at the door looked at each other and lowered their eyes. This shouldn't be happening.

Sesshomaru strode into his father's rooms as well as he could with his mother weighing him down. About to call out, a different shout preempted his.

"_Oh TOJI!!"_ echoed a feminine scream. There were grunts and moans coming from his fathers bedchamber. For a moment, Sesshomaru wondered what was going on but then he breathed in.

At once, the scent of mating hit him. A sinking feeling in his stomach, Sesshomaru gently laid his mother down on the carpeted room of his father's outer chamber. Walking over to the rice paper screen, Sesshomaru opened the painted door to reveal his father's bedchamber. There, Lord Toji was thrusting into the parted thighs of some female as she pushed back. They were both grunting and moaning, panting out the breath they couldn't catch. In Sesshomaru's eyes, his father had never looked more like the animal humans proclaimed demons were. _Look mama, the humans got one thing right,_ Sesshomaru thought a little desperately.

It took a moment for Lord Toji to process that someone was in his bedchamber. The stench of sex had completely filled his nose, filling the Lord with only the smell of the woman beneath him. She was a moaning miracle of passion, all for him, only for him. He only noticed there was an intruder when he heard a sound that did not belong in a room of lovemaking: a snort.

Turning in fury at the interruption, Toji was shocked still by the sight of his son, bloodied and filthy, leaning against a door and staring at his father and Izayoi with one raised eyebrow.

She's human....., Sesshomaru realized dully.

"Sesshomaru," Toji gasped out in horror. Abruptly pulling away from his partner, Toji tried to cover himself as well as the woman below him.

Sesshomaru watched as his father fumbled. The scent of mating coated everything and everyone in the room.

Most damning was that the scent was days old. The entire time Sesshomaru had been running for his life, Lord Toji had not bothered to come out of his bedchamber, too enraptured with this human to check if his lands were all right. Since the Lord didn't acknowledge anything was wrong, no one in the Palace had done anything. They had all waited for the Lord's command and so stood still while his mother died.

Sesshomaru's eyes narrowed. _While Mama gave her life to save me, while the Lady of the Western Lands had been murdered, Father has been _fornicating_ with some human slut_.

Sesshomaru felt himself whither inside.

He probably had not even realized that we were in trouble, Sesshomaru thought in a cold anger. _Because he was too busy with this, this thing, my mother died and I almost died._

"Shirouki?" Toji gasped in shock, looking behind his son at his dead wife, sprawled over the floor like a murdered, blood splattered angel.

Sesshomaru felt a disgusted sneer wanting to twist his face but he didn't let it show. _Oh, now he misses her, now he cares. How trite._

"Your pardon, father," Sesshomaru said tightly. "I was unaware that you were ....busy." Everything was snapping into place for Lord Toji. The scent of Neko had finally reached him and the situation became clear.

"We must begin burial preparations at once," mumbled Toji, rising from the bed. "We must summon-"

"No need," interrupted Sesshomaru. His father stared at him curiously.

"Sessho-"

"I'll do it," Sesshomaru interrupted again, his voice rising over his fathers. "After all, you are....busy. Wouldn't want to disturb you while you...perform this very important task. After all, if you couldn't care enough to come and save her, why should you care enough to bury her?"

Silence fell in the bedchamber. Sesshomaru felt vindicated.

With a smile full of ice and just as sharp, Sesshomaru bowed correctly and backed out of his fathers chamber. He closed the door in front of him, ignoring his fathers hand reach out to comfort him.

He should have remembered, Sesshomaru thought in detachment as he walked down the hall, dragging his mothers body. He struggled out of the Palace, placing his mother under her favorite tree and began digging her grave. _He should have remembered_ _that I hate weaklings. _

Sesshomaru felt nothing but contempt for his father now. Toji reeked of weakness.

---------------PRESENT DAY----------------

"My Lord? My Lord?"

Sesshomaru focused his eyes on a now meticulously clean Rin and Jaken. It had been Rin's childish voice that had called for him. Sesshomaru stared at her without saying a word.

"Begin the meal Jaken," Sesshomaru intoned quietly.

"Hai, My Lord!" The toad demon raced around the campsite.

Sesshomaru rose gracefully, Rin scampering ahead to help prepare her food. As he rose, he felt a tug on his waist. Looking down, he saw a familiar mass half fallen on the ground.

Damn tail fell again, Sesshomaru thought in semi-annoyance. Picking it up with one hand, Sesshomaru placed it on his shoulder as usual. _I had strong teeth as a pup_, he thought wryly. _Very sharp indeed. _Sesshomaru walked into the campsite and gestured that the meal should begin.

The meal was eaten silently, with Rin and Jaken on their best behavior. Rin ate with her fancy manners and Jaken waited on his Lord with admirable subservience. In fact, if Sesshomaru had been inclined to emotions, he would have been amused. To state that Rin and Jaken were walking on eggshells was an understatement.

The last dregs of his tea drunk, Sesshomaru rose to leave as he usually did.

A small hand touching his robes stopped him.

Seshomaru looked down at Rin. She was biting her lip and not looking at him.

"If you are going to attack someone Rin, you should at least be brave enough to look them in the face," he said dryly.

Rin took a deep breath and looked up at Sesshomaru. Tears filled her eyes. "My Lord? Are you going to send Rin away?"

Sesshomaru raised an elegant eyebrow. _What on earth brought this on? _Sesshomaru said nothing, knowing she'd continue on her own.

After a few moments, Rin gulped and said hesitantly, "My Lord threw me into the river…" She breathed out slowly and gathered her courage. "Does my Lord want me to go away?"

Sesshomaru could feel the effort it was taking her not to cry. "No," Sesshomaru answered quietly. In someone else the tone would have been gentle.

A sob of relief escaped Rin. _He still wants me to stay, he will not throw away his Rin!_

She wouldn't have known what to do without him, she wouldn't have felt safe without him there to protect her. Sniffling a bit, she wiped her eyes with a small hand.

It shocked Sesshomaru.

To see the glow of tears in her eyes...was unusual. Rin was always cheerful. Seeing her so shook up over something as small as his minute rejection was a potent reminder of how very human she was. His Lordship was unsure if this was an unwelcome reminder or not.

Rin looked up at Sesshomaru. He stared back, not breaking with her gaze. There was nothing in his eyes to indicate emotion. But in hers...in her eyes, there was a world of self-recrimination and disappointment.

Rin looked down and breathed a heavy sigh. "Rin has disappointed her Lord?" she asked quietly.

"Yes," answered Sesshomaru. He saw no need to pamper the child from the truth. He _was_ disappointed in her. For someone so long in his company, she had taken on very few sensible habits...

Silence reigned as it usually did in these painful types of moments.

"Does Rin disappoint her lord more then anyone ever?" Rin asked, her small brown eyes telling him she desperately needed reassurance.

Sesshomaru shook his head. "No." _Enough of this_. He gestured to her blankets. "You will go to sleep now." He commanded imperiously.

She tremulously smiled and nodded her head happily. Trotting over to her makeshift futon, Rin quickly tucked herself under the covers. "Good night, my lord" she said.

"Good night Rin" Sesshomaru answered.

He turned to walk away when Rin murmured, already almost asleep, "My Lord? Why do you dislike dirt so much?"

Sesshomaru paused. _I didn't realize she noticed it was the grime. She is possibly more observant then I had thought. "_I am not required to answer you," he sternly reminded her.

"I was just curious," she yawned. Curling up into a more comfortable position, she snuggled into her blankets and slipped into sleep.

The next night, just before it was time to stop to make camp, Rin was delighted to see her Lord staying close to the group. He never stayed close!

Eagerly abusing this privilege, Rin clambered near her Lord. Closeness was also an almost unheard of thing and Rin felt almost dizzy with love as he indulged her and allowed her to stay so near him.

"My Lord?" Rin asked in excitement. Something that had been bothering her for a while now, her curiosity eating her alive.

Lord Sesshomaru didn't reply, merely turned his head to look at the small face far below him.

"What are stars?"

He saw Rin's smiling eyes and for a moment, just stared at her.

"Does Rin disappoint her lord more then anyone ever?" Her agonized expression from the night before echoed in his mind.

You, small stupid interesting human child, are not nearly the one who disappointed me most in life, Sesshomaru acknowledged mentally_. That dubious honor goes to the one who should have been there when I needed him most. The one who disappointed me most was the one I trusted most. I suppose that is what made all the difference._

Sesshomaru nodded at Rin, acknowledging her question and his own peculiar position in one motion.

No matter. What his father had done was not important. Past was past.

He directed her gaze to the heavenly bodies above them.

"They are the souls of the deceased..." he began quietly.

Sesshomaru began to glide down the rough path through the forest to clearing, his inherent elegance a striking contrast to the grubby, stumbling child at his left side. Jaken wheezed behind them, dragging Ah-Un along.

Mother was wrong, Sesshomaru thought absently. _While it is true that allowing no one touch you will lead to never being hurt, she was wrong thinking that nothing is worth being hurt. Sometimes the hurt is worth it_. He looked down at Rin and she flashed him a bright gap toothed smile.

Sometimes the hurt is worth it.

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A/N: So, there you go! I have been struggling with this fic for weeks! Months even! Kudos to my sister Sushi who read at least three versions of this fic and always made insightful and useful criticisms (and that's why you got into....).

To everyone reading this: I loved 'Hero' so doing a companion piece was a big decision simply because I wanted it to measure up to its brother (no pun intended) ficlet. So- tell me what you think! I would rather adore that! If possible, I make corrections, changes and basically fix the story when advised to (as long as it fits into my vision of the story and its not a line I'm attached to. {I get very attached some sentences ::blushes:: good lord, that sounds stupid.....}Anyway, altering a major part of the plot is probably not going to happen.)

I am looking for stylistic, grammatical and linguistic opinions centered on improvement. In other words, what do you think will make this story better to read, improve the emotional impact, make it flow, make my story pop? A major concern is that its too long winded (like this authors note!). I cut out about three or four pages of detailing. ::Sigh:: I miss you, water undine!!!! (nobody try to get that. you really won't unless your telepathic and spying on my mind which means your not reading this anyways because your in a coma from shock. go me!!........I worry myself.)

review because after these reeeeeaaaaaaallllllyyyyy long a/n's, you know you want to yell at me!!! come on......let it out.....

oh! i read the most fabulous thing! It made me cry (i do not cry from lot of things and certainly not fanfiction) and so I am advising you all to read it.

Its a sess/rin without the love interest thing. Its more of a father/daughter fic but trust me! Anyone who has the slightest interest in this relationship in any capacity will find yourself crying at the end of this fic. I know I found myself giving me a pep talk afterward: "you'll be fine....you'll be able to write that way someday...." (::Snort:: whatever self, you delusional weirdo). seriously, this fic will move you and make you want to be Jaken just so you can be near those two!! read this for your own good.

A Family Of Rin's Own  
review and thank you in advance for not flaming me for these ridiculously long after notes


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